Kinda Sums Up My Day Sometimes

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you
realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes .. Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

My Gift To You

I have sat here and pondered true the many horizons
the emotions that drift through my heart
and I recollect the tears, the laughter,
the heartache and the victory.
And I wonder how it was,
that I made the journey into today.

Then you often stray into my rambled thoughts,
and I recall how many times you have held my hand
and guided me through the darkness
and showed me the path so bright.
I then think of the many times of laughter you gave to me,
the smiles you brought to my eyes,
and the warmth you poured into my heart.

For those many gifts you have offered me,
I feel compelled to give something in return.
But what gift is worthy of such a husband as you?
Only the finest gifts are suitable for such a husband as you.
But I am not wealthy in the monetary fashion,
and haven’t the means to give such a wondrous gift.

So here I sit looking at our sons,
And wonder what I must have done
To deserve you in my life, and even
More so to deserve our four boys.
What I meant to give to you, you gave to me
With no regret.

So I sit asking myself what I have to offer to you,
and just what gift is worthy enough.
I give to you something special to me.
Not a material object to be looked at or used,
but rather a place where one can rest easyand drift into sweet unending serenity.
Close your eyes if you will and take your thoughts to a place where golden light
dances across deep blue oceans and enchanting palm trees offer shelterand aqua
skies bring the warmth of the sun.
Where a song is whispered to you from the sandpiper near by,
and the scents of the flowers ease your mind.
Here in this special place you have wings to flyand float
on warm ocean breezes.

And you can see a vast array of colors burninginto the horizon.
Here you are at one with the gods, and you can be at peace in my arms.
For if you can see my special place, it is yours to call home and you can always close your eyesand return to be in my arms again.
So please accept my humble love,and go there often, knowing that in my heart, my mind, my soul, I am with you in a place in my mind.
This is my gift for you, as you aremy loving and loyal husband.

This is written for my husband whom I love with every fiber of my being. I wrote this shortly after our fourth son was born.

Written 04-05-06

I saw this and thought it funny

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and
a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and
a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.