YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN by: George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.


I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!


I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!


I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.


I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.


I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.


I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.


I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.


I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.


My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.


I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.


I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.


I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?


I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.


I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?


I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.


I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.


And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.


I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.


I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.


And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?


If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

Seems So True

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!"
"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids.They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!